Good afternoon you,

For a person who sneezes 3-4 times daily, now is not the best time to be alive in public — just an observation. I spoke to a customer today at work who said she gets seasonal allergies and people look at her suspiciously all the time. She wishes she could reassure them that people do suffer from things other than some kingly virus with power-grabbing tendencies. Ok, the last part of that sentence was mine, and to be fair viruses don’t know how to power grab - it’s the opportunists for evil who do thus.

I’ve found this recent threat to be a little like a thriller book which has one stated enemy, but then plot twist! The real threat is not the virus but some potentially evil genius’ trying to corral the whole world into their gentle control and ID programs (you know who you are), with various smaller powers-that-be suddenly behaving like Amish and Mennonite bishops with the church members wearing skirts too short or hair cut too worldly. Crack! Goes the whip.

Frankly, the leadership in some places has been less than impressive, but while they (and the virus itself) have proved underwhelming in spots, the very real consequences to our world have not. Friends have lost their jobs, necessary medical procedures have been cancelled, small businesses have been ruined, the economy is deeply impacted, and it can be hard to find the joy there.

It is worth noting there is always hope. Whatever may come to us in manner of hardships or corruptions can be matched in the resilience of the human spirit and sovereignty of God. As Winston Churchhill said, “if you find yourself in hell, just keep going.” It is what many have done and are doing. In the middle of a world suddenly spinning on a whole new routine, we find that the old patterns of gratefulness and steady thinking which have served us in our past normal carry over into the new. We are not new people, we are living in new times.

As with all new times it is worth grieving what is lost, before we look forward to shape what is coming. In the middle ground, which is by far the hardest, we tuck our hands into our pockets while waiting… and find them covered in gold and silver dust of living when we hold them up to a new sunrise. Humans find it hard to believe that so much good and evil coexist — though maybe coexist is the wrong word.

Perhaps it is better to say we humans naturally default to an optimistic or pessimistic view, instead of letting the current reality sit with a future hope. I don’t know. I do know there are very good things happening and very bad things happening. This confusing mix is not necessarily a bad thing, even if some of the components are bad. We stay awake to what is happening because we are alive, and because we are alive we feel things. Sometimes the emotions mix and it’s all weird. As Rainer Maria Rilke said:

“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”

It doesn’t mean we roll over and become food for feet. It means that in the course of our lives we will feel many things. Feel them. It isn’t permanent, it doesn’t convert to fact unless you let it.

I’ve never experienced the grief of losing close relationships in death, but I have experienced losing close relationships in life and know, each stage of grief feels completely different. The first is a fullness of loss, it threatens to overwhelm. It’s waves, it’s a turbulent ocean. For me the second is an emptiness as vast as the ocean, completely still. That place which was occupied by the motion of loss and the once-fullness of another human being is just simply… gone. There is no memory for this. There is no guidebook for what to do with empty spaces in one’s life. If we’re human, and we all are, we might fill it up with something good which partially satisfies, like books, art, entertainment, music, other relationships, etc. Sometimes we default to things that aren’t good, like sexual fantasies and porn and affairs and cigarettes or drugs or alcohol.

I know, those empty spaces are absolutely terrifying. I won’t point fingers. I’m here to sit with you.

This quarantine at first drew a comforting, heavy blanket around me. Much as a little child enjoys the tight crevices behind the couch, I was enjoying the way it hemmed me in, to be free to enjoy my little space. When I began to perceive that perhaps I was being held there against my will it changed, and it’s funny how life both holds and chokes in the same space. Nothing much has to change before we panic, as this virus has seemingly proven.

When life shakes us up, and it will shake us up, there is the question of how we sit with our limits and the spaces between.

I prayed a prayer in February, asking God for a break and a chance to heal mentally and emotionally from a break in a relationship. My life was awakening in so many ways, and it was beautiful, but I had to admit that emotionally and mentally things were not as stable as they have been in the past. Those who have been through an intense stripping down of themselves know, there is a sort of holy rawness that takes over our days for awhile. If this person holds responsibility in leadership positions, it’s terrifying.

There was little margin in how I responded to things, either plunging to the depths or flying to the heights. Perspectives began to be limited, which compromised how I was able to make decisions and carry on. For the first time in my life I allowed my community to support me, but to carry on in the midst of it all while being shaky was an awful prospect. At any moment I could snap and really let people down. I deeply felt the necessity to gain enough equilibrium to carry my share again.

Then, the orders to shelter at home. Now, this isn’t about the concern of a flouted Constitution. If limits have been overstepped on this justice will be served, it is simply to say that God answers personal prayers in strange ways. I felt profound overwhelming relief on being told to “crawl behind my couch.”

I needed the limitation badly.

And so it is that the little kid in me, the one who fell down and got hurt, got picked up by a good, good father who understands that while love has no limits, understanding love does. The beauty of almost anything is within two things: its borders and the space in between. Art, relationships, countries, cultures, books… everything. If this blog post were to go on forever you would quickly tire of it and move away. We need borders to understand the lives we have. We need spaces with limits to process what is going on and what is happening.

As a kid boundaries are set for you, and childhood is more carefree as a result. Limits are a weight anyway you look at it, but they are also a gravity which keeps us safe. I understand that the limits of the country I live in help me out in so many ways of protection and belonging. I’m not a citizen in every country of the world. Citizenship would mean nothing in such a case. Do I think those limitations got carried a little far recently, yes, but that doesn’t mean limitations aren’t a good and healthy thing when they are instituted for the purpose of creating freedom. (As a side note, this is where limits went wrong with a few of our governesses, I mean governors. There was a unbalanced premium set on safety combined with an unhealthy level of control).

As an adult, learning to set limits on yourself is a million times harder because we are also trying to create a life. Now, I’m not just talking about systems of law and order, that’s a subject for another day, but simply the happiness of learning to limit which opportunities we take, and the possibilities of enjoyment when we settle in and really enjoy the thing we are doing in the present, without hurrying on to the next thing.

Trying to take every opportunity is like too much play for Jack, it kills enjoyment and creativity and passion in the long run; re-learning this is a silver lining for me during this time. I’ve been able to enjoy a few things well, work hard, and feel as if there’s enough of me to go around. It’s soothing and healing the cracks in my soul-house.

Maybe it’s less about learning to limit opportunity (because that’s a truly bad idea) and learning that we can say no to ourselves. We think of it as saying no to people and opportunities and advancement, but if we’re really honest it’s mostly about ourselves. It’s not easy to give ourselves limits, but we won’t be truly happy until we do.

The most successful adults by a worldly standpoint are ones who became almost boring in their limited pursuits. Steve Jobs famously wore the same clothes uniform for years, as did Obama. They both utilized limits to clear up space for their jobs and priorities. It’s a pattern we see in the lives of many people who have lived their lives effectively in some measure or another: they are not afraid of limits, and in so doing, find their lives are more free to pursue what is important to them. It’s different from the way we usually say, don’t be afraid of limits! Which is to say, we usually are quite afraid of them. Limits can master us, but loved wisely, they become servants.

Outside of the context of the professional life, I heard some advice from a gardener shaping my approach to gardening. She said it is better to grow 3 things well than 20 things poorly. Of course we all know this in theory, but it’s actually hard to discipline oneself to limits. I wanted to rush out and plant oodles of things this year, but I see the wisdom of what she says. I will enjoy tending my smaller list of vegetables so much more than if I took an opportunity too large for me at this time. As the sages ask, “did you take too big of a bite?” We’ve got to eat, but it’ll kill us to try eating too much at one time.

Knowing my limits has already given me so much enjoyment in the little garden plot without all the stress of taking on the level that my mom, after 25 years of gardening, could sustain. I’m not saying I will never have a large garden, I’m not putting limits on my future — right now I’m just humbling myself to realize what is chew-able for me.

And you know, it’s always a matter of humility. Some of the most amazing humans in this world, who shaped the lives of millions, would stoop to wash the feet of those around them. That kind of humility isn’t bought or won. It is slowly grown through us having the bravery not to ignore limits, but to let them grow with us. We can expand our limits, but we must first learn to take care what we have in our keeping at this moment.

Be faithful in the little matters of love and life, and you may be entrusted to larger and larger holdings. Limits are not there to keep us from happiness, they are there for us to use as stepping stones to shaping happy, wholesome, and purpose-filled lives.

Jesus didn’t come with a pedigree or laundry list of accomplishments. He waited to start until he was 30, and he still managed to defeat death and create an opportunity of life for billions of people.

He limited himself because his mission was that important.

What is that important to you?

I’m asking myself the same question.

L. Raine

P. S. Lists are fun. Here are a few of my silver linings from this time of limitations.

• My roomie of three years previous, quarantined with me for awhile. Neither of us imagined we’d ever get to “live” together again.

• I have had time to make a garden, which is really a ton of work mixed with several tons of dirt. It has been therapeutic in every good way; body, mind, spirit.

• God answered my prayer (in a really weird way) when I asked him for a break in my schedule to restore from a difficult situation, and several years of steady service in ministry. Now is it my fault this virus happened? I can neither confirm nor deny… Kidding. It wasn’t me. But I firmly believe that God can work through what is seemingly terribly to make good things and plans happen for his kids. He’s a miracle worker that way. In a time when mental health is a real concern, mine is being given a chance to heal.

• I’ve had time to bake bread.

• Some friends gathered at my home for Communion and it might be the shining star of this quarantine time yet. It was a truly lovely time of breaking bread (we ate two whole loaves) and drinking wine, and finishing with chocolate because, death is overcome! We talked far and wide over a range of our faith, our lives, we prayed… soaked the walls with music. 10 out of 10 recommend, which is funny because we could only have 10 people. It’s the magic number right now.

• There’s been time to facilitate home projects, and I now have a lovely set of bookshelves thanks to a skilled friend. More to come like raised beds, privacy barriers on which I shall grow cucumbers, and things like a floating wardrobe.

• There’s been time for walks and walks and more walks, plus training to run. Something I’ve wanted to gain proficiency in for 8 years.

• I’ve been reading and reading.

• The list really could go on and on.

I am so grateful for sabbaticals.