What I learned about Feminism by Dancing
Hi you,
I've been taking dance classes for a little over half a year, and it's safe to say they've changed my life... I've always wanted to dance, and finally taking the time to get through the initial stages of looking like a ungraceful heffalump has satisfied my heart and love of beauty as nothing else has.
Shall we dance?
WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT FEMINISM THROUGH DANCE
I believe in unabashed womanhood, which has led me to explore aspects of feminism and femininity. I know and celebrate women in positions of business, medicine, arts, being a mom, small business, cooking, manual labor, and teaching. Women make fantastic leaders in many things and yet we often miss one aspect of femininity; the unmitigated joy of being skillfully led by a man. It doesn't make sense on the surface. How can a woman simultaneously believe in strong womanhood and being all she can be, and yet allow herself to be led?
It's a dance.
When I first attended the class I thought through every move. Broke it down, and tried to anticipate it. It was stressful, my arms were stiff and sometimes I simply couldn't figure out where I was supposed to go. After a few classes a guy told me, "I've got you. Just give me your arms and I'll lead."
A whole new world opened up.
How can a woman be successful in things she does, have a vision, and fight for her values and people, and still learn to know what it means to have a man protect her? It's a paradox because our traditional understanding means that this limits a women to doing and being a very small part of what is really possible for her talents and abilities, and feminism revolted against this atrophied definition of womanhood. But we may have gone from atrophy to creating a monster.
While I'm dancing it all makes sense. The subtle touch to my shoulder to show me which way to go. The skill of a man who directs the move and then gets out of the way so it can be accomplished. The responsibility he takes for me if a move goes wrong, even if it was my fault. The way he lets me monopolize the beauty of it, even though he is doing the heavy lifting. The exhilaration of the dance I don't have to think about because he's directing and I get to spin until I'm dizzy with the joy of it.
“To dance is to sculpt the air. ”
The men at this class wouldn't tell me I can only eat certain foods, cannot become a politician or doctor, or only wear lace and pink. However, when it is time to dance the man leads me. It would be a mockery of a dance for both of us to try to lead. If I am tired of the dance, I tell him and I sit down. It is never a matter of control.
LEADERSHIP IS NOT CONTROL
Men are typically leaders in dance, though from what I've experienced it usually means that they do all the heavy lifting for less of the glory. Leading in its truest form is really a servant hood. It does not mean that one gender holds control of all the systems of the world or relationships. Control is leadership gone wrong. It’s authority gone wrong.
I think it means that in relationships, there is a leader and follower. Both have autonomy, and are involved in decisions. Both execute the moves and see the vision, but one leads.
In every relationship there is give and take. A dance with a spineless woman is not a dance at all, and so it is in a relationship with a woman who does not have a voice or decision; it would be miserable for him and her. She still needs to be a complete whole person with ultimate responsibility for her spirit, body, and mind, but the man, he gets the hard part of leading the dance. To do this well is really a massive accomplishment, because it means they have to become an authority on the subject, think ahead, be careful that he isn’t asking the woman to do something which doesn’t make sense or work, watch out that he isn’t bumping them into the other couples on the floor, and be careful of the person he is directing.
This too, is a unique form of exhilaration. Men and women are not the same, and it's unfair to assume that the same things excite us. As much as I can simply let myself go in the beauty and freedom of a dance, to a man the exhilaration of syncing motion for two people could be ultimately satisfying. To direct, to lead, I believe could be ultimately satisfying for him.
TRUST
My narrative today is not meant for a moment to suggest that women shouldn't take positions of authority or leadership in fields of expertise, but to consider that men who lead in relationships (that are not about controlling another human or appearances) bring a beauty to the world we wouldn’t otherwise see. A healthy, whole man won't want totalitarian government, he won't even want to make your decisions for you, but he does have a capability to lead a woman in a way which ultimately makes her shine.
A hundred times my dance teacher said, “it’s my mistake” even though it was mine. A hundred times he admonished the men of the class to take responsibility for the errors of the dance. It’s never to suggest that women do not take ownership for their own missteps, but that this form of servant hood was to build a humility which promoted another person above himself. The man in the dance, always puts the woman first. In return, the woman submits to his direction.
It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
It doesn’t mean I’ve never taught a man a new dance step. It doesn’t mean I haven’t suggested we try a different direction. Sometimes I’ve disagreed with a dance partner, and said so. Both parties work hard in the dance.
This is about a woman learning to trust. Maybe it’s just me, and how hard it is to give a man any power over me, but it was incredibly empowering for me to be in a place where no one wanted to control me, and yet had the confidence to lead and guide with patience and humility. It brought me to a place of being able to be uninhibited about my femininity. Funny how what the sermons and lectures and books could not teach me about femininity, naturally grew in this place where many didn’t share my faith, but where my freedom was allowed to be.
I am sympathetic to some parts of feminism, because I see at heart, the hurt of the women who want something different. They may be misguided sometimes, and they may do damage, but no one has ever helped correct a problem they did not first understand in a personal form. You can pound on it, you can silence it, you can preach against it, but if you do not know the wound which fuels it it will rise again. This is not to play a blame game on men, because if we start that there’s plenty which can be said about women and their abuses to men.
It’s simply to say that I’ve been hurt as a woman by a particular misuse of authority and dancing is one way I have learned to heal. To make the decisions to lean on someone, and let them care for me in this way. The only way this works… is if I let them. I could fight the dance and make it into a thing of jerks and imbalances, or I can choose to trust and follow. If for whatever reason I don’t want to do this with the person who asks me to dance, I don’t dance with them. It’s as simple as that. No one should dance against their will, but should they choose to accept the dance, there are certain things which make the dance work.
This works across many scopes of relationship, even if the examples I’ve used lend themselves more to the marriage relationship. There’s a time and place for dance solos. Not everything is defined by one kind of relationship or indeed even by any kind of relationship.
But if you, like me, have been hurt by leadership gone wrong, when the time is right may I gently suggest you take a dance class too? As I have, you may learn to let go of inhibitions, worries, stresses, or fears.
and JUST DANCE.
If life truly is a dance, there might be a little following involved. Just sayin'
L. Raine
